The Book of Great Funny One-Liners Read online

  Guest: That would depend on how good-looking he was.

  Shaw: Would you do it for ten bob then?

  Guest: What do you take me for?

  Shaw: We have already settled that. All we are now doing is agreeing on the price.

  On another occasion a society hostess invited Shaw to a dinner stating that she would be ‘at home’ on a certain date.

  ‘G.B.S also,’ he replied.

  Shaw could n’t even be nice to people who paid him a compliment. A particularly beautiful woman once suggested that they have a child together.

  ‘Imagine a child with my body and your brain!’ she said.

  ‘Yes, but what if it had my body and your brain?’ he countered.

  You take the lies out of him, and he’ll shrink to the size of your hat; you take the malice out of him, and he’ll disappear.

  Mark Twain, American writer

  The food was so tasteless you could eat a meal of it and belch and not be reminded of anything.

  Red Foxx, American comedian

  He is alive, but only in the sense that he cannot be legally buried.

  Geoffrey Madan

  I know of nothing more despicable and pathetic than a man who devotes all of the hours of the waking day to the making of money for money’s sake.

  American oil baron and billionaire John D. Rockefeller, who did in fact seem to spend every waking moment making money.

  It would have been twice as bad if they had sent the dog.

  British prime minister Harold MacMillan commenting on the huge crowds in London gathered to honour the first man in space Yuri Gagarin.

  Visitors: Good morning, we are Jehovah’s witnesses.

  George Bernard Shaw: Good morning. I’m Jehovah. How are we doing?

  I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

  Groucho Marx, American actor and comedian

  If only he’d wash his neck, I’d wring it.

  British academic John Sparrow on a colleague

  Poor old Mortlake, who had only two topics of conversation, his gout and his wife. I never could quite make out which of the two he was talking about.

  Oscar Wilde, Irish playwright and wit

  Exchange between Winston Churchill, who fell asleep on a train with his flies undone, and a female passenger who enters his compartment.

  Passenger: Sir! Your penis is sticking out!

  Churchill: Madam, you flatter yourself. It is merely hanging out.

  An exchange between British actress Beatrice Lillie and an anonymous woman at a dinner table. The woman asked Lillie if the pearls on her necklace were real. When Lillie replied ‘yes’, the woman reached across the table, grabbed the pearls and tried to run them across her teeth.

  Woman: The pearls are not real! They’re cultured.

  Lillie: How would you know, with false teeth?

  He was a bit like a corkscrew. Twisted, cold and sharp.

  Kate Cruise O’Brien, Irish writer

  The Wisdom of

  Bumpers

  I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re OK now. Allow me to introduce my selves.

  A day without sunshine is like night.

  A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

  Above all else, sky.

  Adjure obfuscation.

  Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. DON’T DRINK AND DERIVE!

  All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.

  All men are idiots, and I married their King.

  Always Avoid Alliteration.

  An Apple a day keeps Windows away.

  Anything not worth doing is not worth doing well.

  As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

  Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

  Beer doesn’t make you fat. It makes you lean (against doors, tables, walls).

  Beer: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.

  Being ‘over the hill’ is much better than being under it!

  Come to the dark side—we have cookies.

  Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

  Constipation causes people not to give a crap.

  Does anal-retentive have a hyphen?

  Don’t believe everything you think.

  Don’t treat me any differently than you would the Queen.

  Double your drive space. Delete Windows.

  Driver carries no cash. He’s married.

  Dyslexics Untie!

  EARTH FIRST! We’ll strip-mine the other planets later.

  Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

  Every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts talking.

  Excess is never too much in moderation.

  First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, closed.

  First things first; but not necessarily in that order.

  Fishermen don’t die; they just smell that way.

  Forget world peace; visualize using your turn signal.

  Getting on your feet means getting off your butt.

  Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.

  God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.

  God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.

  Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

  I can’t remember if I’m the good twin or the evil one.

  I didn’t believe in reincarnation in my last life, either!

  I didn’t climb to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian!

  I don’t have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.

  I don’t have a license to kill. I have a learner’s permit.

  I don’t think, therefore I am not.

  I doubt, therefore I might be.

  I feel better after I wine a little.

  I fish, therefore I lie.

  I had the right to remain silent, but I didn’t have the ability.

  I have the body of a god. Buddha.

  I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

  I love animals. They’re delicious.

  I need someone real bad. Are you real bad?

  I plan to live forever. So far, so good!

  I said ‘No’ to drugs, but they didn’t listen.

  I thought I was indecisive; now I’m not so sure.

  I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

  I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

  I’m Not with Stupid Anymore.

  If at first you don’t succeed, call it version 1.0!

  If I get you advantage, can I take drunk of you?

  If it ain’t broke, take it apart and fix it.

  If it isn’t broken, fix it until it is.

  If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother.

  If today were a fish I’d throw it back

  If you are what you eat, I’m fast, cheap and easy.

  If you believe in telepathy, think about honking.

  If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

  If you can read this, I’ve lost the trailer!

  If you can read this, you’re not the president.

  If you can’t read this, thank the teacher’s union.

  If you observe this vehicle being operated in an unsafe manner, please try to think of it as one more anomaly in the cosmic order.

  If you’re happy and you know it see a shrink.

  If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.

  I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.

  I’m not crazy, I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

  I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

  I’m out of oestrogen and I’ve got a gun!

  I’m pink, therefore I’m SPAM.

  I’m still a hot babe, but now it comes in flashes.

  I’m supposed to back up my hard drive, but how do I put it into reve
rse?

  In America, anyone can be president. That’s one of the risks you take.

  IRS: Be The Audit You Can Be

  Is it time for your medication or mine?

  It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.

  I’ve heard about the evils of drinking beer, so I gave up reading.

  Jesus loves you! Everybody else thinks you’re a jerk.

  Jesus loves you! But I’m one of his favourites.

  Just say ‘NO’ to negativity.

  Karaoke bars combine two of the nation’s greatest evils: people who shouldn’t drink with people who shouldn’t sing.

  Keep honking while I reload.

  Kids in the back seat cause accidents; Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

  Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

  Lawyers have feelings too (allegedly).

  Let’s skip the insults and get right down to your butt kicking!

  Life is short. So buy the shoes!

  Life would be easier if I had the source code.

  Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.

  Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

  Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send $10 to me.

  My drinking team has a bowling problem.

  My feminine side is lesbian.

  My mind is like a steel trap—rusty and illegal in most states.

  My mood ring says back off

  My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.

  My mother was a moonshiner, and I love her still.

  My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her (or something like that).

  My wife says I should get up and go to work, but the voices in my head say I should stay home and clean my guns.

  Nebraska: At least the cows are sane.

  Never believe generalizations.

  Never knock on Death’s door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that.

  Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.

  New Mexico: Cleaner than regular Mexico.

  Nuke the Whales! We’ll hunt them at night.

  Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.

  Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.

  Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.

  Old age comes at a bad time.

  On the journey of life, I choose the psycho path.

  On your mark, get set, go away!

  Out of my mind—back in five minutes.

  People like you are the reason people like me need medication.

  Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.

  Procrastinate now.

  Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.

  Rehab is for quitters.

  Resistance is futile (if > 1 ohm).

  Rock is dead. Long live paper and scissors.

  Save the trees, wipe your butt with an owl.

  Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.

  Say ‘NO’ to drugs. That will bring the prices down.

  Screw world peace, visualize DRIVING.

  Senior Citizen: Give me my damn discount!

  Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.

  So many cats, so few recipes.

  So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.

  So you’re a feminist. Isn’t that cute?

  Some days it’s just not worth gnawing through the leather straps.

  Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

  Sorry if I look interested, I’m not!

  Stable relationships are for horses.

  Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them!

  Stoplights timed for 30 mph are also timed for 60 mph.

  Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren’t asleep.

  Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees and name streets after them.

  That’s not a haircut, it’s a cry for help.

  The bigger the hat, the better the cowboy.

  The box said Windows 2000 or better. So I installed Linux.

  The control key on the keyboard does not work.

  The generation of random numbers is too important to leave to chance.

  The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

  The last time politics and religion were mixed, people were burned at the stake.

  The meek shall inherit the earth—after we’re through with it.

  The Moral Majority is neither.

  The more you complain the longer God makes you live.

  The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

  The trouble with the gene pool is that there’s no lifeguard.

  There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

  Think globally, act galactically.

  This bumper sticker intentionally left blank.

  If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

  To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management.

  Use the best: Linux for servers, Mac for graphics, Windows for solitaire.

  Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.

  Veni, Vidi, Velcro. I came, I saw, I stuck around.

  Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I did a little shopping.

  Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.

  Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.

  Watch out for the idiot behind me.

  What we need is a patch for stupidity!

  Well, at least the war on the environment is going well.

  Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

  What if the hokey pokey is really what it’s all about?

  Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

  When I want your opinion, I’ll beat it out of you.

  Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

  When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS.

  Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

  Who are these children, and why do they keep calling me Mom?

  Without geometry, life is pointless.

  Without ME, it’s just AWESO.

  Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

  Worry. God knows all about you.

  WWJD (Who Wants Jelly Donuts?)

  Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up!

  You—off my planet.

  You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing.

  Your body would look good in my trunk.

  You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.

  Father Machine and

  Mother Nature

  Scientists have discovered the noise made just prior to the Big Bang, which sounds something like ‘oops.’

  Cully Abrell (James Clayton), American screenwriter

  If everyone on Earth stopped breathing for just an hour, the greenhouse effect would no longer be a problem.

  Jerry Adler, American actor

  Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

  Virtual reality is a cutting-edge computer science project in which companies are investing millions of dollars in a frenzied attempt to reproduce an effect which can currently be achieved simply by looking out the window.

  Mike Barfield, American musician

  What is algebra exactly? Is it one of those three cornered things?

  J.M. Barrie, Scottish novelist

  The ants set an example to us all, but it is not a good one.

  Max Beerbohm, British caricaturist

  Monkeys and apes have the ability to speak but keep silent to avoid being put to work.

  René Descartes, French mathematician

  To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

  Paul
Ehrlich, German immunologist

  Quod erat demonstrandum is Latin for, ‘Don’t argue with ME, you bastard.’

  Russell Bell, American actor

  The Internet is so big, powerful and pointless that for some people it is a complete substitute for life.

  Andrew Brown, British computer acientist

  Automatic simply means that you cannot repair it yourself.

  Frank Capra, Italian-American Director

  Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

  George Carlin, American comedian

  The best way to accelerate a Macintosh is at 9.8 metres per second.

  Marcus Dolengo [Note: for those who forgot their high school science, 9.8 m/s is the acceleration due to gravity].

  If ants are such busy workers, how come they find the time to go to all the picnics?

  Marie Dressler, American actor

  A computer is like an Old Testament God, with a lot of rules and no mercy.

  Joseph Campbell, American mythologist

  The two most abundant things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

  Harlan Ellison, American author

  My dog understands every word I say but ignores it.

  Michael Green, British theologian

  The smallest hole will eventually empty the largest container, unless it is made intentionally for drainage, in which case it will clog.

  Dave Grissom, American musician

  The perfect computer has already been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

  Al Goodman, American musician

  In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

  Stephen Leacock, Canadian economist

  You ask me if I keep a notebook in which to record my great ideas. I’ve only ever had one.

  Only two things are infinite—the universe and human stupidity and I’m not sure about the former.

  Albert Einstein, German physicist

  A bishop wrote gravely to the Times inviting all nations to destroy ‘the formula’ for the atomic bomb. There is no simple remedy for ignorance so abysmal.

  Peter Medaway, British journalist

  The trouble with the Internet is that it is replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

  Patrick Murray, British actor

  The most overlooked advantage to owning a computer is that if they foul up there’s no law against whacking them around a little.

  Eric Porterfield, British writer

  Have you ever smelled a rain forest? They stink. They stink worse than a 13-year-old’s bedroom.