The Book of Great Funny One-Liners Read online

  The Book of

  Great Funny

  One-liners

  The Book of

  Great Funny

  One-liners

  Frank Allen

  First published in Australia in 2008 by

  New Holland Publishers (Australia) Pty Ltd

  Sydney • Auckland • London • Cape Town

  www.newholland.com.au

  1/66 Gibbes Street Chatswood NSW 2067 Australia

  218 Lake Road Northcote Auckland New Zealand

  86 Edgware Road London W2 2EA United Kingdom

  80 McKenzie Street Cape Town 8001 South Africa

  Copyright © 2008 New Holland Publishers (Australia) Pty Ltd

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publishers and copyright holders.

  National Library of Australia Cataloguing-in-Publication Data:

  ISBN: 9781741107005

  eISBN: 9781921655340

  Contents

  Introduction

  It’s Good to Be Bad

  Making a Living

  Men on Men and Women

  Women on Women and Men

  Men and Women on Boys and Girls

  The Body Beautiful

  Foreigners and Their Parts

  Human by Correspondence

  Eyesores and Sore Eyes

  Movers, Warblers and Other Noise Makers

  Penners and Inkers

  Stages, Screens and Boxes

  Playing with Balls and Other Things

  Smorgasbord of Insults

  The Wisdom of Bumpers

  Father Machine and Mother Nature

  God and Other Imponderables

  The Trials of Life

  Making a Dying

  Introduction

  In Hamlet, William Shakespeare wrote: ‘Since brevity is the soul of wit, And tediousness the limbs and outward flourishes, I will be brief…’

  And so I shall be.

  The current incarnation of the succinct funny remark is the sound bite or grab—that short selection of words designed to give us the maximum amount of bang for the minimum amount of buck, or to give it another name, the one-liner.

  In a world where we run the risk of suffocation in a blizzard of information it’s nice to know that there have been many fine minds (and more than a few mediocre ones) who, in an idle moment, decided to spend their brain power on making themselves laugh, and us too, using just a few well-chosen (or unintentionally funny) words.

  Herein I’ve gathered what I think are some pretty fine, short quotations that hit the nail right on the head without resorting to clichés. Use them to exercise your mind, to inspire you to come up with your own variations or steal them outright to cover up your own creative deficiencies, just like I have.

  Goodness knows there are many occasions when we’d like to appear more scintillatingly witty than we usually are, so if you’re looking for a juicy phrase or if you just want to have some fun, here they are. I hope you enjoy these great funny one-liners and have the opportunity to use one or two. Enjoy.

  Frank Allen

  It’s Good to Be Bad

  I am a drinker with a writing problem.

  Brendan Behan, Irish dramatist

  I’ve stopped drinking. But only while I’m asleep.

  George Best, British soccer star

  I’ve been told that alcohol is a slow poison. I’m in no hurry.

  Robert Benchley, American humorist

  I feel the end approaching. Quick! Bring my dessert, coffee and liqueur.

  Jean Antheleme Brillat-Savarin, the French gastronome, on his deathbed

  Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.

  Woody Allen, American film maker, comic and writer

  I was eating a lot of frozen dinners when I realised they would probably taste better if they were warm.

  Yakov Smirnoff, Ukrainian-American comedian

  A nutrient is a chemical added to breakfast cereal to allow it to be sold as food.

  Mike Barfield, American wit

  I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.

  George Burns, American comedian

  I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

  Rodney Dangerfield, American comedian

  I never drink because I was born intoxicated.

  George Russell, American jazz pianist

  Prohibition is better than no liquor at all.

  Will Rogers, American humorist

  The best way to cure a hangover is to avoid alcohol the night before.

  Cathy Hopkins, British writer

  There’s nothing like good food, good wine and a bad girl.

  Robin Williams, American actor and comedian

  There is only one thing to be said in favour of drink and that is that it has caused many a lady to be loved that might have otherwise died single.

  Finley Peter Dunne, American humorist

  Have you heard about the Irishman who joined Alcoholics Anonymous? He still drinks, but under a different name.

  Aubrey Dillon-Malone, British writer

  The trouble with Italian food is that five or six days later you’re hungry again.

  George Miller, Australian film producer

  I don’t like people who take drugs—like customs officers for example.

  Mick Miller, British comedian

  It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing warnings about toxic substances and just gave us the names of the one or two things still safe to eat.

  Robert Fuoss, American writer

  When I die they will write in the newspapers that the sons-of-bitches have lost their leader.

  Vincent Gardenia, American actor

  Princess Margaret is the Billy Carter of the British monarchy.

  Robert Lacey, British biographer

  At big dinners my motto always is ‘Eat it now, you can always vomit it later’.

  Derek Nimmo, British actor

  The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4am.

  Charles Pierce, American female impersonator

  I slept like a baby. Every three hours I woke up looking for a bottle.

  Liam O’Reilly, Irish musician

  I phoned my dad to tell him I had stopped smoking. He called me a quitter.

  Steven Pearl, American comic

  It was a French physician, naturally enough, who first described the disease known as cirrhosis of the liver.

  Richard Selzer, American surgeon and author

  There are two things in life I like firm and one of them is jelly.

  Mae West, American actor

  I haven’t touched a drop of alcohol since the invention of the funnel.

  Malachy McCourt, Irish-American actor

  Inhabitants of underdeveloped nations and victims of natural disasters are the only people who have ever been happy to see soya beans.

  Fran Leibowitz, American wit

  Never serve oysters in a month that has no pay check in it.

  P.J. O’Rourke, American writer

  After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.

  Oscar Wilde, Irish playwright and wit

  Spanish wine is foul. Cat piss is champagne compared to this sulphurous urination of some aged horse.

  D.H. Lawrence, British writers

  Making a Living

  I am very fond of fresh air and royalties.

  Daisy Ashford, English writer

 
Money is something that you have got to make in case you don’t die.

  Max Asnas, Russian-American restaurateur

  It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.

  Philip Gibbs, English writer

  Two can live as cheaply as one for half as long.

  Howard Kandel, American writer

  It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

  Oscar Wilde, Irish playwright and wit

  Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.

  Oscar Wilde, Irish playwright and wit

  They were a people so primitive that they did not know how to get money except by working for it.

  Joseph Addison, English essayist

  An expert is someone who has made all the mistakes that can be made, but in a very narrow field.

  Niels Bohr, Danish atomic physicist

  They say it’s better to be poor and happy than to be rich and miserable. But couldn’t some compromise be worked out, like being moderately wealthy and just a little moody?

  John Henry, American futures trader

  I don’t really have anything against work. I just figure, why deprive someone who really enjoys it?

  American actor Dwayne Hickman in the role of Dobie Gillis

  I don’t know much about being a millionaire but I’ll bet I’d be a darling at it.

  Dorothy Parker, American journalist, writer and all-round wit

  Whoever said money can’t buy happiness simply hadn’t found out where to go shopping.

  Bo Derek, American actor

  The world is filled with willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

  Robert Frost, American poet

  The general advertiser’s attitude would seem to be: if you are a lousy, smelly, idle, under-privileged, overweight and oversexed status-seeking moron, give me your money.

  Kenneth Bromfield, American writer

  I have never been in a situation where having money made it worse.

  Clinton Jones, American footballer

  When you’ve got them by their wallets, their hearts and minds will follow.

  American wit Fern Naito famously paraphrased by Richard Nixon as ‘If you’ve got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.’

  Lawyers, I suppose, were children once.

  Charles Lamb, British essayist

  I need enough to tide me over until I need more.

  Bill Hoest, American cartoonist

  Gentlemen prefer bonds.

  Andrew Mellon, American banker

  There is only one thing for a man to do who is married to a woman who enjoys spending money, and that is to enjoy earning it.

  Edgar W. Howe, American editor and publisher

  We don’t just honour credit cards, we venerate them!

  Dale McFeathers, American journalist

  The only reason I made a commercial for American Express is to pay for my American Express bill.

  Peter Ustinov, British comedian and actor

  You can’t pay your Visa on your American Express card.

  P.J. O’Rourke, American writer

  Historians are like deaf people who go on answering questions no-one has asked them.

  Leo Tolstoy, Russian novelist

  Consultants are people who borrow your watch to tell you what time it is and then walk off with it.

  Robert Townsend, American actor

  I don’t like work even when someone else does it.

  Mark Twain, American writer

  In spite of the cost of living, it’s still popular.

  Kathleen Norris, American novelist

  Part of the $10 million I spent on gambling, part on booze and part on women. The rest I spent foolishly.

  George Raft, American actor

  A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.

  Franklin P. Jones, American writer

  We don’t seem to be able to check crime, so why not legalise it and tax it out of business?

  Will Rogers, American humorist

  Unquestioningly there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.

  H.L. Mencken, American journalist and political commentator

  Few great men would have got past Personnel.

  Paul Goodman, American writer

  The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning, you’re on the job.

  Lena Horne, American singer

  Men on Men

  and Women

  My wife finds it hard to envision me as the end product of millions of years of evolution.

  Bob Barnes, American cartoonist

  I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

  American film maker, comic and writer Woody Allen

  There is at least one fool in every married couple.

  Henry Fielding, British novelist and dramatist

  Is sex dirty? Only if it’s done right.

  American film maker, comic and writer Woody Allen

  Of all my wife’s relations I like myself the best.

  Joe Cook, American actor

  Brigands demand your money or your life—women require both.

  Samuel Butler, British writer

  A woman’s preaching is like a dog’s walking on his hinder legs. It is not done well; but you are surprised to find it done at all.

  British writer Samuel Johnson, as quoted by his biographer, James Boswell

  The secret of a successful marriage is not to be at home too much.

  Colin Chapman, British designer

  In my house I’m the boss. My wife is just the decision maker.

  American film maker, comic and writer Woody Allen

  In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.

  Spike Milligan, British actor and comedian

  They kept mistresses of such dowdiness they might almost have been mistaken for wives.

  Roberston Davies, American writer

  An appropriate age for marriage is 18 for girls and 37 for men.

  Aristotle, ancient Greek philosopher

  If thee marries for money, thee surely will earn it.

  Ezra Bowen, American editor

  Housework is what a woman does that nobody notices until she hasn’t done it.

  Evan Esar, American humorist

  There is little wife-swapping in suburbia. It is unnecessary, the females all being so similar.

  Richard Gordon, British broadcaster

  Have I ever paid for sex? Only emotionally.

  Lee Hurst, British comedian

  Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone you love.

  Woody Allen, American film maker, comic and writer

  When authorities warn you of the dangers of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities.

  Matt Groening, American cartoonist and creator of The Simpsons

  You’re getting old if you discuss the facts of life with your children and you get slapped by your wife when you attempt to try out some of the things they told you.

  Russell Bell, American actor

  To please my wife, I decided to get in touch with my feminine side. Now I’ve got a yeast infection.

  Bob Delaney, American basketball referee

  Everyone should be married. A bachelor’s life is no life for a single man.

  Samuel Goldwyn, American film studio director

  The three words you don’t want to hear while making love are ‘Honey, I’m home’.

  Ken Hammond, Canadian hockey player

  I’m glad I’m not bisexual. I couldn’t stand being rejected by men as well as women.

  Bernard Manning, British comedian

  ‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have lost at all.

  Samuel Butler, British writer

  R
emember men, we’re fighting for this woman’s honour, which is more than she ever did.

  Groucho Marx, American actor and comedian

  You’re getting old when the girl you smile at thinks you’re one of her father’s friends.

  Arthur Murray, American dance impresario

  Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful things money can buy.

  Steve Martin, American comedian

  I will not allow my daughters to learn foreign languages because one tongue is sufficient for a woman.

  John Milton, British poet

  The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

  Joseph Cossman, American entrepreneur

  I wouldn’t be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife.

  Tony Curtis, American actor

  My wife’s hands are so beautiful I’m going to have a bust made of them.

  Samuel Goldwyn, American film studio director

  Women are called the opposite sex because when you want to do anything they want to do the opposite.

  Corey Ford, American humorist

  I asked her if she was doing anything on Saturday night and she told me she was committing suicide. So I asked her if she was doing anything on Friday night.

  Woody Allen, American film maker, comic and writer

  Under 21 women are protected by law; over 65 they’re protected by nature; anything in between is fair game.

  Cary Grant, American actor

  Women run everything. The only thing I have decided in my house over the last twenty years is to recognise Angola as an independent state.

  Brian Clough, British footballer

  It’s hard to lose a mother-in-law. In fact, it’s almost impossible.

  W.C. Fields, American actor

  The Grand Canyon—what a marvellous place to drop one’s mother-in-law.

  Ferdinand Foch, French soldier

  I’m not a breast man. I’m a breast person.

  John Wilson, British writer

  We have a saying in Russia, ‘Women are like buses.’ That’s it.

  Yakov Smirnoff, Ukranian-American comedian

  God made Adam before Eve because he didn’t want any advice on the matter.

  Patrick Murray, British actor

  Women on Women

  and Men