The Book of Great Funny One-Liners Read online

  It was said Mr Gladstone could convince most people of most things, and himself of anything.

  British clergyman Dean William R. Inge on William Gladstone

  Aneurin Bevan of course was himself far from being universally admired. He even felt the betrayal of his own Labour Party exclaiming once to them: ‘Damn it all, you can’t have the crown of thorns and the thirty pieces of silver!’

  Daily Express comment on Bevan

  My colleagues tell military secrets to their wives, except Asquith who tells them to other people’s wives.

  Lord Kitchener (the model for the famous and oft-imitated I Want You poster of WWI).

  We’d all like to vote for the best man but he’s never a candidate.

  Kin Hubbard, American cartoonist and humorist

  Winston is always expecting rabbits to come out of empty hats.

  Field Marshall Lord Waveil on Winston Churchill’s handling of WWII

  The Honourable Gentleman should not generate more indignation than he can conveniently contain.

  Winston Churchill to an overly irate politician William Wedgwood Benn

  I have a great admiration for Mussolini, who has welded a nation out of a collection of touts, blackmailers, ice-cream vendors and gangsters.

  Michael Bateman, British journalist

  If Max gets to Heaven he won’t last long. He will be chucked out for trying to pull off a merger between Heaven and Hell… after having secured a controlling interest in key subsidiary companies in both places, of course.

  Briish writer H.G. Wells on Lord Beaverbrook.

  His ear is so sensitively attuned to the bugle note of history that he is often deaf to the more raucous clamour of modern life.

  British Labour politician Aneurin Bevan on Winston Churchill

  John Major is the only man who ran away from the circus to become an accountant.

  Edward Pearce, British writer

  When you have a skunk it is better to have him inside the tent pissing out than outside pissing in.

  President Lyndon B. Johnson on J. Edgar Hoover

  Harold Wilson is going around the country stirring up apathy.

  William Whitelaw, British politician

  The best description of Margaret Thatcher I ever heard is that she’s just the sort of woman who wouldn’t give you your ball back.

  Mike Harding, British comedian

  Trust J. Edgar Hoover as much as you would a rattlesnake with a silencer on his rattle.

  Dean Acheson. American statesman

  A fool and his money are soon elected.

  Will Rogers, American humorist

  Rumsfeld is admired as a genius by people who find conceit alone to be evidence of genius.

  Beast magazine’s description of Donald Rumsfeld

  Politics is derived from two words—poly, meaning many, and tics, meaning small, blood-sucking insects.

  Chris Clayton, American writer

  Ambassador, n. A person who, having failed to secure an office from the people, is given one by the administration on the condition that he leaves the country.

  Ambrose Bierce, American writer

  A statesman is a dead politician. We need more statesmen.

  Bob Edwards, American radio host

  Nixon impeached himself. He gave us Gerald Ford as revenge.

  Bella Abzug, American feminist

  A year ago Gerald Ford was unknown around the country. Now he’s unknown throughout the world.

  Norman Mailer, American writer

  Most politicians look like people who have become human by correspondence course.

  A.A. Gill, British columnist

  Some Republicans are so ignorant that they wouldn’t know how to pour piss out of a boot—even if the instructions were written on the heel.

  Lyndon B. Johnson, American president

  One could drive a schooner through any part of his argument and never scrape against a fact.

  David Houston on fellow American politician William Jennings Bryan

  As an intellectual he bestowed upon the games of golf and bridge all the enthusiasm and perseverance that he withheld from books and ideas.

  American writer Emmet Hughes on Dwight Eisenhower

  To err is Truman.

  Walter Winchell, American commentator

  All political parties die at last from swallowing their own lies.

  John Arbuthnot, Scottish writer and physician

  Mr Howard and his government are just Yes-men to the United States. There they are, a conga line of suckholes on the conservative side of Australian politics.

  Australian politician Mark Lathamon John Howard

  In Pierre Trudeau Canada has at last produced a politician worthy of assassination.

  Irving Layton, Canadian poet

  Under democracy one party always devotes its chief energies to trying to prove that the other party is unfit to rule, and both commonly succeed, and are right.

  H. L. Mencken, American journalist

  There are two politicians drowning and you are allowed to save only one. What do you do? Read a newspaper or eat your lunch?

  Mort Sahl, American comedian

  If there had been any formidable body of cannibals in the country he would have promised to provide them with free missionaries, fattened at the taxpayer’s expense.

  American journalist H.L. Mencken on Harry Truman’s 1948 presidential campaign

  Asked if they’d have sex with President Clinton, 90 per cent of American women replied ‘Never again.’

  Albert Roge, American writer

  A semi-housetrained polecat.

  Michael Foot on Norman Tebbit

  Bill Clinton is the only politician in the world who can distract people’s attention from one sex scandal by being involved in another.

  Matthew Campbell, Australian footballer

  If he became convinced tomorrow that coming out for cannibalism would get him the votes he surely needs, he would begin fattening a missionary in the White House backyard come Wednesday.

  American journalist H.L. Mencken on president Franklin D. Roosevelt

  When German-American politician Henry Kissinger won the Nobel Peace Prize, I gave up satire on the grounds of unfair competition.

  Tom Lehrer, American musical satirist

  Politics is show business for ugly people.

  Paul Begala, American political consultant

  I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.

  Ronald Reagan, American president

  Politicians are like nappies. They should be changed regularly and for the same reason.

  Patrick Murray, Britsh actor

  Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, order more tunnel.

  John Quintan, British commentator

  Self-esteem is a good thing but anyone who has ever toilet trained a child knows that it is possible to make too much of the efforts of the child on the potty. One wonders if little Ed Koch was told once too often what a great thing he’d done and began to think that all that emanated from his being was pretty great.

  Peggy Noonan. American writer

  Washington couldn’t tell a lie, Nixon couldn’t tell the truth and Reagan couldn’t tell the difference.

  Mort Sahl, American comedian

  There are only a few original jokes and most of them are in Congress.

  Will Rogers, American humorist

  Theodore Roosevelt was an old maid with testosterone poisoning.

  Patricia O’Toole, American writer

  John Tyler has been called a mediocre man; but this is unwarranted flattery. He was a man of monumental littleness.

  Theodore Roosevelt, American president

  I fired Douglas McArthur because he wouldn’t respect the office of the President. I didn’t fire him because he was a dumb son of a bitch, although he was.

  Harry S. Truman, American president

  Arthur Scargill couldn’t negotiate
his way out of a toilet.

  Ray Lynk, American businessman

  Never in the history of fashion has so little material been raised so high to reveal so much that needs to be covered so badly.

  Cecil Beaton, British photographer

  The news of President Eisenhower’s campaigning for Richard Nixon depresses me. After a clear record of eight years, I hate to see him involved in politics.

  Mort Sahl, American comedian

  I have nothing against Nicholas Ridley’s wife or family, but I think it’s time he spent more time with them.

  Philip Goodhart, British politician

  Congressmen are so damned dumb, they could throw themselves on the ground and miss.

  James Traficant, American politician

  Dan Quayle taught the kids a valuable lesson: if you don’t study you could end up Vice-President.

  Jay Leno, American television presenter

  I never accepted a knighthood because to me honour is enough. Besides, they get one into disreputable company.

  George Bernard Shaw, Irish playwright

  Quoting Ronald Reagan accurately is called mud slinging.

  Walter Mondale, American vice president

  The illegitimate child of Karl Marx and Catherine the Great.

  Clement Atlee on Russian communism

  As for the look on Dan Quayle’s face—how to describe it? If a tree fell in a forest, and there was no one to hear it, it might sound like Dan Quayle looks.

  Tom Shales, American critic

  A British prime minister was on a tour of New York when his proud guide pointed out a building that was so solid that it would last a thousand years.

  ‘Dear, dear me! What a pity!’ he replied.

  The President is going to lead us out of this recovery.

  Dan Quayle, American vice president

  Poor George. He can’t help it. He was born with a silver foot in his mouth.

  Ann Richards, former Governor of Texas

  George Bush’s problem is that the clothes have no emperor.

  Anna Quindlen, American writer

  Paul Shannon is educated beyond his intelligence.

  Dennis Skinner, British politician

  You have to get to know Dewey to dislike him.

  Robert A. Taft, American politician

  They inculcate the morals of a whore and the manners of a dancing master.

  Samuel Johnson, English writer and lexicographer, on Lord Chesterfield’s letters of advice to his son

  Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance.

  H.L. Mencken, American journalist and political commentator

  Margaret Beckett looks like a woman resigned to walk home alone to an empty bed-sit after Grab-a-Granny night at the local disco.

  Richard Littlejohn, British writer

  The idea of Prince Charles conversing with vegetables is not quite so amusing when you remember that he’s had plenty of practice chatting to members of his own family.

  Jaci Stephens, British journalist

  Eyesores and Sore

  Eyes

  What is art? Prostitution.

  Charles Baudelaire, French writer

  It makes me look as if I were straining a stool.

  Winston Churchill commenting on his famous portrait by Graham Sutherland

  A decorator tainted with insanity.

  American art critic Kenyon Cox on Paul Gauguin

  When I see a man of shallow understanding extravagantly clothed, I feel sorry—for the clothes.

  Josh Billings, American humorist

  Mona Lisa looks as if she has just been sick or is about to be.

  Noel Coward, British actor and dramatist

  A living is made by selling something everybody needs at least once a year. And a million is made by producing something that everybody needs every day. You artists produce something nobody needs at any time.

  Thornton Wilder, American playwright

  I am the only woman in the world who had had her dresses rejected by the Salvation Army.

  Phyllis Diller, American comedian

  Saint Laurent has excellent taste. The more he copies me, the better taste he displays.

  Coo Chanel on fellow French couturier Yves Saint Laurent

  I wouldn’t have that hanging in my home. It would be like living with a gas leak.

  Dame Edith Evans, British actor

  Another word from you, and I’ll paint you as you are!

  A frustrated German artist Max Leiberman to a sitter who wouldn’t shut up

  I am lonesome. They are all dying. I have hardly a warm personal enemy left.

  James McNeill Whistler, American painter

  The murals in restaurants are about on par with the food in art galleries.

  Peter de Vries, American editor

  The goitrous, torpid and squinting husks provided by Matisse in his sculpture are worthless except as tactful decorations for a mental home.

  Percy Wyndham-Lewis, Canadian-British painter

  Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.

  Oscar Wilde, Irish playwright and wit

  Your right to wear a mint-green polyester leisure suit ends where it meets my eyes.

  Fran Leibowitz, American wit

  Movers, Warblers

  and Other Noise

  Makers

  Far too noisy, my dear Mozart, far too many notes…

  Archduke Ferdinand of Austria on Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

  For three hundred years flautists tried to play in tune. Then they gave up and invented vibrato.

  George Barrere, French flautist

  An ambulatory hamburger.

  Beast magazine’s description of US country and western singer Toby Keith

  When an opera star sings her head off, she usually improves her appearance.

  Victor Borge, Danish-American humorist and musician

  The world we live in is in a funny state. Someone goes out and shoots John Lennon and lets Des O’Connor live.

  Roy Brown, British comedian

  This man forgot how to sound or look natural thirty years ago.

  British journalist Dave Jennings on British singer Cliff Richard

  A glorified bandmaster.

  British composer Thomas Beecham on Italian composer Arturo Toscanini

  The true gentleman is a man who knows how to play the bagpipes but doesn’t.

  British composer Thomas Beecham on fellow British composer Edward Elgar

  British conductor Thomas Beecham was a pompous little band master who stood against anything creative in the art of his time.

  John Fowles, British novelist

  Sleep is an excellent way of listening to an opera.

  James Stephens, critic

  Liszt’s bombast is bad; it is very bad; in fact there is only one thing worse in his music, and that is his affected and false simplicity. It was said of George Sand that she had a habit of speaking and writing concerning chastity in such terms that the very word became impure; so it is with the simplicity of Liszt.

  American critic Philip Hale on Hungarian composer Franz Liszt

  Perhaps it was because Nero played the fiddle, they burned Rome.

  Oliver Herford, American writer

  Modern music is just noise with attitude.

  Patrick Murray, British actor

  Liszt’s so-called piano music is nothing but Chopin and brandy.

  James Huneker, American music critic

  How could I possibly have a sexual relationship with a fifty-year-old fossil? I have a beautiful boyfriend of twenty-eight. Why should I swap for a dinosaur?

  Italian singer and model Carla Bruni on Mick Jagger. Bruni has nevertheless dated Eric Clapton, Kevin Costner and Donald Trump, and in 2008 married 53-year-old French president Nicolas Sarkozy

  This man has child-bearing lips.

  American comedian Joan Rivers on Mick Jagger

  I
don’t understand anything about the ballet. All I know is that during the intervals the ballerinas stink like horses.

  Anton Chekov, Russian playwright

  Splitting the convulsively inflated larynx of the Muse, Berg utters tortured mistuned cackling, a pandemonium of chopped-up orchestral sounds, mishandled men’s throats, bestial outcries, bellowing, rattling, and all other evil noises… Berg is the poisoner of the well of German music.

  German review of Austrian composer Alban Berg

  He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.

  Billy Wilder, American film director

  Berlioz composes by splashing his pen over the manuscript and leaving the issue to chance.

  Polish composer Frederic Chopin on French composer Hector Berlioz

  The tuba is certainly the most intestinal of instruments, the very lower bowel of music.

  Peter de Vries, American editor

  I can compare Le Carnival Romain by Berlioz to nothing but the caperings and gibberings of a big baboon, over-excited by a dose of alcoholic stimulus.

  George Templeton Strong, British critic

  Of all the bulls that live, this hath the greatest ass’s ears.

  Elizabeth I on John Bull

  He was ignored till he began to smash the parlour furniture, throw bombs and hitch together ten pianolas, all playing different tunes, whereupon everyone began to talk about him.

  American music critic Henry T. Fink on Austrian-American composer Arnold Schoenberg

  Rock is a little boy’s playground and little boys don’t talk about anything that women are interested in or concerned about. Apart from how big their willies are.

  Joe Fuzzbox, British writer

  Jazz has a bad name because some of it is crap, and it’s boring.

  Jools Holland, British musician

  Madonna is so hairy—when she lifted up her arm, I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.

  Joan Rivers, American comedian

  Take a look at Keith Richard’s face. He’s turned into leather. He’s a giant suitcase. He has a handle on his head. That’s how they move him around at concerts.

  Denis Leary, American comedian

  The reason I drink is because when I’m sober I think I’m Eddie Fisher.

  Dean Martin, American singer and actor